The Aftermath ...

So after the ex and I parted ways I had to deal with a pretty vicious aftermath.  The Indian community is very warm and giving at times, but at other times ... like after a separation ... it can be very cold and cruel.  I got some nasty calls from "friends" asking me how I could let this happen ... when I'd go to community functions, auntieji's and uncleji's I knew my entire life wouldn't even acknowledge me.  Dear friends would stop inviting me to get-togethers, one too many times I heard,"We're sooo sorry, we just thought you'd be really uncomfortable being the only single person there ..."  My parents took my side, but I don't know -- there are times when a "oh I feel so sad for you beta" look needs to be put aside for a "You're my girl and I support you through Hell or high water!  Lets go move the world!!!"  What the f*** was this???  Are we really so primitive?  Am I completely defined by my relationship status?  Is it a sin to to be an unmarried woman while capable of child bearing?

There were dear friends who stood by my side ... gave me the love and support I needed.  Unfortunately I was the first of the crew to suffer through the "D-word" ... so they really couldn't relate.  I just felt very alone.  The irony was that I wanted my marriage to end because I felt so alone ... and now I felt even more lonely than I ever thought possible.  Maybe that's why I had my moment of weakness, and unfortunately this weakness had a name -- Atul (ahem -- names have been changed to protect the non-innocent and my anonymity) and even worse he was my ex's best friend ...  (I think that's enough for now!!!)

... and so I ended up here ... a divorced Indian Female looking for passion, life, and purpose after marriage ...

My life isn't so unusual I think, unfortunately those around me think it is.  "Don't worry beta, you are so pretty.  We will find you a good boy who won't mind that you are divorced."  The scarlet letter D -- for an Indian girl I'm not sure what would be worse, getting pregnant in high school or getting divorced in your 20's.  I figure at least if I got pregnant in high school its something my family would have swept under the rug and none of those annoying Auntieji's woud even know about it.  Now whenever I go to an Indian function or party I always run into at least one Auntie who stares at me with watery and pitiful eyes that scream,"Oh I feel so sorry for you beta!"  This culture and community that I've known and loved my entire life ... it shuns me!  Why?  Because one of their prodigal sons decided to leave me ... or I left him.  It really depends on who you talk to ... I'm not sure if he left me, or I just made him want to leave because I didn't want to be the one who walked out.  I didn't want to be the one who quit.  I wanted to be the victim.  I don't know why - I just knew that everyday I was with him as far back as I could remember, I felt I was dying slowly and painfully.  I was a victim, and I needed to be acknowledged as one.  In any case, that was my yesterday and we are here today.

I'm single, I'm Indian, and I'm very very female.  I also have a passion for life and men that I believe is unrivaled.  Unfortunately the good little Indian girl inside my head tells me that there is something wrong with this, but instead of succumbing to Indian guilt and leading a life that would please my parents ... I have chosen to live for me.  This is my life, and this is me, and I want everyone in the world to know about it ... well, as long as I stay anonymous.  I wouldn't want to embarrass the family you know ... and so I ended up here -- anonymously, mind you -- a divorced Indian Female looking for passion, life, and purpose after marriage ... this is my story.